
Today is my birthday.
I woke up early and it was still dark out. I was thinking, "Today is my birthday" but how now it's a day that brings some mixed feelings since my mom died 4 days after my birthday 3 years ago.
I was laying in bed thinking how she had forgot my birthday before she died. She'd done it before, usually because she was so busy and she'd remember it a few days later and be very embarrased. I didn't care about a gift or anything, this morning I was just wishing I had that last card to read her words she would have written on my last birthday. I would have cherished it, and studied the words and the writing, I would have kept it forever. But it never happend.
As I lay in bed, the tears were running down my face, I was sad at how fast 3 years had gone by. I missed her so. I have at times had "signs" of her being still near me and those kept me content. But it had been awhile. So in the morning darkness, I wispered to her,... "Please on this birthday, send me a "sign" that your still here". That's ALL I wanted for my birthday. That's my wish. I wiped the tears away and got up to go to work.
I had a good day at work, got some fun gifts from my friends, co-workers and doctors that I work for. It cheered me up a little.
At lunch, I stay at work thru the lunch hour to do the triage for our Pediatrics practice. And during lunch, I had mentioned to some co-workers how it was already 3 years since my mom had passed.
My mother had fainted on the morning of November 12th, 2003 in California and my brothers had taken her to the E.R. They had called to tell me that. The next call, she had arrested and 15 minutes later, they called to tell me she was gone. That's as fast as it took to lose my mom and forever change my life. Thank god, I was there at work and had the strength of some wonderful people I work with to pick me up when my world had just crashed around me within minutes.
As I was relating the events of 3 years ago to some co-workers that had not been there, I was telling them about my mom. How she made a will 13 days before she died. I told them how her will made me feel she "knew" she was going to die. And how, after she died, I was in California that night and slept in her bed. How I had ran into, by accident, the nurse who was with my mom when she died and who told me how my mom "knew" she was dying and what her last words were. My throat was getting tight and my eyes started to well up. I said that the most touching part was a passage she wrote in her will , " To my children.... " she was saying good-bye. She wrote how "honored" she was at having been our mother and she'll never know how much that means to me now.
I can barely speak at this point and some of my co-workers also have tears in their eyes.. And for some reason that one sentence from my mother will always validate my life. I was honored to be her only daughter.
Just then, our office fax rang, a triage message was coming over. One of the receptionists handed the fax to me, a mom had sent over a message regarding one of her children.
Her name was Mrs. Hefner, not a common name and out the thousands of patients we have, it may the only Hefner we have.
My mother's name is also Mrs. Hefner.
And there was my "sign", and my gift for my birthday. I didn't tell anyone, I kept it to myself and close to my heart where I know my mom still stays and still sends "signs" when I need them.